This society has changed so much with regards to the absolute desperation that is there to have a man.
Since when did you need another human being to validate your oxygen levels?????
I have been so frustrated, both with myself in the past and the women that I see now, pondering why they feel so crappy about themselves, that they'll take the first thing that happens along. Oh sure, even if we HAVE boundaries, we mean well, but, THERE. HE. IS. **GASP***... especially if you've been single a long time and you've not been LAID in awhile, or WOOED in awhile, WHEW!.... A MAN, ANY MAN looks pretty good, eh?
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.....
So we look past his obvious grandiosity and his epic efforts to push our boundaries and it isn't long before we're hooked... again!
"Boundary Pushers" know that when you are loney and in your heart (even if you never whisper this secret to another soul, except yourself) that you want a man, gotta have a man, need a man...and all he has to do is just cross that boundary once. Just once..
When we are approached by a "boundary pusher" we are not going to get involved if we value ourselves enough to say no. No is a complete sentence!. But I'm also shocked at how many women feel guilty for saying no. Psychopaths know this.
If you are not intact with your self esteem now and with very good personal boundaries, you are going to find yourself as bait. I find it comforting to think that being single might not be the "ultimate" of scenarios in my illusory relationship thinking, but when I stay in the present, it's all good because I'd rather be alone, breathing my own exhaled air, rather than someone else telling me how to breathe it for me, or sucking mine out to the point where I'm gasping for air!
Even as a single person, extolling the virtues of being alone, there is a side of me that also wants to be in a relationship. But as my self esteem grows and my boundaries stay intact, I find that there is, what I now refer to an an "invisible electric fence" surrounding me. This "fence" reminds me of the assclowns I've been with, what I've been through and what I don't want to go through again.
Let me share an example of what I mean, perhaps you can try it and see if you can learn to build your own "invisible electric fence" around you and your life:
I make a store run. Cute guy who is a butcher) there (perhaps a bit of an alarming profession) and always pouring it on when I come in. The first time he "poured it on", I found myself starting to swoon....oh but only a little, because I caught myself using my "invisible electric fence" to remind me of what big trouble this behavior got me into last time. I'm not sayin he's a psychopath, but I'm not feeling it either with the verbal love bombing that now sounds like a really bad actor rehearsing some very old lines, from a very old, famliar movie. This no longer looks genuine and does not match up to my new and authentic self. You know when you're being spoon fed a heaping amount of BULLSHIT for the sake of someone pushing past your invisible electric fence, so he can get down your pants, his hands on your bank account, ATM or wallet and entry to take what is left of your self esteem and exploit it while you wait for that illusory romance to show up.
IT IS NOT GOING TOO.
I"m fascinated by the lies we tell ourselves as women when we meet men and try to act like we have an invisible fence, but our subconscious need/want for a man takes over as we bat our eyelashes and pretend we don't see some shady-assed behavior.
The psychopath pushes our boundaries and exploits our low self esteem. He can do that because, without awareness, without that invisible electric fence there to protect us (remember your past and all the toxic waste it was), we project our fantasy laden relationship onto him. It's not our "moment" anymore, and this is "not the one". It's his moment to seize you, while you tell yourself something about what you've seen in his behavior was just an apparition and that you're so special he will change for you if you see it again in the future.
Shady is shady , Ladies! Shady behavior doesn't change. I hate to burst your bubble here, but Mr. "Boundary Pusher" is not saying all of this lovely stuff for your benefit.
It's really okay to be alone!
I wish that society would push for that reality instead of trading it in for some elusive fantasy..
If you really think about reality putting a healthy relationship into perspective about potential dates or relationships in the future, perhaps providing a few tips here, while keeping your invisible electric fence in good condition will help take away from that fantasy you're in about potential about Verbal Bulimia Man or Mr. Conversation Constipation Man (these are the stealth, passive aggressive psychopaths who observe you while giving you the good ole predatory stare), anyway, to my tips for truth:
1. Sex~Aaawww, I know you miss it, I do too! But let's get real here. Sex, even really great, mindblowing sex cannot carry a relationshit with an assclown! He'll make you think it can, but it can't. If you think about this realistically (subtract luring/honeymoon phase here), looking at the whole picture and not just a few mind blowing sexual encounters in between, what does the whole picture look like?
A man better be damned good out of bed, in fact, better than in bed, because if it ain't happening out of bed, anything good in bed won't cut it. Please keep in mind, while the psychopath uses this as a weapon and a hook to keep victims in relationship with him, is it worth two hours to twelve hours of mind blowing sex, when weeks, months and years go by in between where he's indulging in abusive behavior? What is "sexy" or even "great in bed" about a man who degrades you out of bed? Sleeps around on you and exposes you to risk? Um.....walk out of this fantasy right now.
2. Get a dog, a cat, a tortoise, adopt a kid, volunteer, go to a move with a girlfriend, read, anything but "get an assclown". As you build your new life, find things to do, other than men, for awhile, to help you build your value, give you love and that you can love, share, care about. find out what you like, and learn to like it without thinking about sharing it in fantasy dripping with far away looks and fantasy thoughts in your head that look something like this: "Someday it would be nice if so and so, or the potential new assclown ..really liked this about me". **gag** Learn to like it because you like it. Not because anyone else would or should, or could.
3. Give to yourself on a regular basis. We so often fall for the love bombing techniques that men use that are really quite old now (in my opinion), yet when it happens, our fantasy lives take over. So love bomb yourself.. That's right, that's what I said. Love bomb yourself. Send yourself a few texts. A few emails, go buy yourself your favorite flowers, go directly to the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful, sexy, intelligent and mind blowing gorgeous you are! Get your nails done, get a pedi, take yourself to a movie, an art museum and visualize you loving yourself!. Rent a limo for yourself and a few close friends if you really want to go all out.
4. Learn to enjoy life without as much drama as possible.
This one is important and I didn't realize just how important it was, until a "drama" situation came up and presented itself to me with a lot of actors playing their roles and parts. Just one hour in this was exhausting!. I no longer had that creep up feeling of anxiety, like underwear up the crack of my ass! I wanted to get the hell out of there fast and that's exactly what I did. Stay in your new found peace for awhile, without drama. LEARN TO LIVE QUIETLY AND GENTLY. It will seem very boring, almost to the point of sobbing at times, but I'm telling you that you will appreciate it more than you know at the first sign of drama. This is also why it is so important to get rid of as much crap in your environment that the assclown left behind and CHANGE it to something that fits only you. This will be important back up later when you go running home like a chicken without a head after an encounter with drama. It will be a place of PEACE. Work on that!
5. Work on taking apart your fantasy: Put the romance books away for awhile. Stop watching all those chick flicks. That's so HOLLYWOOD. Work on what is realistic about you, read about healthy relationships and what they look like. Ask those you know who are healthy and in healthy relationships what their relationship looks like. There is NO such thing as yourself as Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". If you do want a relationship in the future, work on finding out what it is to have a real one, while you work on building your invisible electric fence, your boundaries and your self esteem.
6. LADIES- YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN, WHAT YOU REALLY NEED RIGHT NOW, IS YOU!!
Onward and upward, Ladies (guys, some of this can most definitely apply to you as well)
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